Here are some Things Said Recently Around Here:

• Wife: No climbing on the table!
  (This one is common)
• Me: You can’t have your medicine until you eat some more meat.
  (Gamma likes his medicine a little too much)
• Wife: There’s a fly in the house.
  Gamma: Where’d it go?
  Wife: Is it in your nose? (kidding, of course)
  (pause)
  Wife: No! Get your finger out of there…the fly is not in your nose.
• Wife: Do you love me? (sung to the tune from Fiddler on the Roof)
  Gamma: Noooo. (sung back)
  Wife: Boo hoo hoo (pretend crying)
  Gamma: Yes! (he changed his mind)
• Wife: Do you love daddy? (sung to the tune from Fiddler on the Roof)
  Gamma: Noooo. (sung back)
  Me: Boo hoo hoo (pretend crying)
  Gamma: No! (not changing his mind)

Alpha: Look! It’s my mini-blinder!
Me: What’s a mini-blinder?
(Alpha shines a bright LED flashlight into my eyes.)
Me: Ow!

It Was Plastic

The Scene: One of the children came crying to me. I must say something to the other child.
Me: Don’t hit your brother with an axe!
Me, imagining loopholes: In fact, don’t hit your brother with anything.
It was a toy axe, but I still decided it was best to confiscate it.

Doesn’t Really Want an Answer

Beta, taking a bath: Can I sleep in the bathtub?
Me: No.
Beta, leaning back so the water covers his ears: WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Here are some Things I Have Said Recently:

• No jumping in the restaurant. And no cannonballs in the restaurant either.
• Get that straw out of there! We don’t drink through our noses.
• Do not use the spaghetti as dental floss.
• The spaghetti is not a jump-rope either.
• and the ever popular The water needs to stay in the bathtub.

I’m Not That Old

Gamma: Open your mouth.
Me: Okay…
Gamma, looking: There’s a spider web in there!

Where’s the Party?

Me: Do I want to know why there’s popcorn on the bathroom floor?
Wife: I don’t know. And pretzels too.

Mr. Contrarian

Gamma: No go home! No go home!
Me: Gamma, we are home.
Pause…
Gamma: No go bye-bye!

Alpha: Daddy, can we go somewhere where we don’t need to worry about anything?
Me: Why? What do you have to worry about?
Tornadoes.
I think we’ll be okay. Every place has something like that.
Paris! Maybe the Eiffel Tower will fall over.
Maybe, but probably not.
Beta: What does Florida have?
Alpha: Gators!
Me: And hurricanes. And California has earthquakes.
Alpha: And lots of fires.
Me: Oh, and we have mosquitoes. And we have bees.
Beta: Bees are nice. They help the flowers.
Alpha: Male mosquitos are nice.
Beta: They help the flowers just like bees?
Alpha: But female mosquitoes are not nice. They sting you.

I hope he learns not to worry so much – he’s going to have plenty more worries as he grows up, so it’s best to start with as few as possible.

For this to make sense, you should know that our kids call my mom “Nanoo” and you should also know that Beta has the bad habit of biting his fingernails. He is always doing that, which means that his fingernails are measured in negative length. It’s bad, and we encourage him to stop.

The Scene: our minivan
We are travelling with the grandparents to a local destination, and Nanoo is riding in the back with Alpha and Beta.

Beta: I’m picking my nose!
Me: Nanoo, you’re in charge of stopping that.
Nanoo: Okay – Beta, don’t do that. Bite your nails instead.
Me: Nanoo, you’re not in charge anymore.

Exploding Stomach

The Scene: Alpha just finished eating a foot-long sub.
Alpha: I feel like exploding
Beta: Okay, explode!
Alpha, waving his arms: Boom!
Beta: No, exploding means throwing up.

You can tell we had just gone through some flu-like symptoms in the family.

The Kinds of Love

The Scene: the dinner table, where I have just warned the children that their food is hot. Spicy hot.
Me: There are two kinds of hot: temperature hot and spicy hot.
Astute Child: And there’s the L-O-V-E kind of hot too.
Me: Umm, yes.
pause
Me: Anyway, that food’s a little spicy, so take a small bite first.

I don’t know what to say to that, other than do not assume that TV programs or commercials will go over your children’s heads. We don’t watch much TV, and we filter the commercials when necessary, and this stuff still slips through.

or, In which Alpha attempts to buy time in order not to fall asleep

Alpha: How many more days until Christmas?
Me: Let’s see 31 + 28 + 6 = 65. 365 – 65 = 300 – 6 = 294. So 294 days until Christmas
Alpha: Okay. I don’t like being surprised.

I hope that means he will plan well. Not just for Christmas, but life in general.

Updating Bible Verses

We have a CD from Awana with all the verses the kids are supposed to learn. Beta was going throughout his day singing one of the songs, and this was the result:

Beta: Do all things without complaining or computing.
Alpha: Beta, it’s not computing – it’s disputing.
Beta: Oh.
Beta: Do all things without complaining or computing.

We might just have to call it “close enough” and move on to the next verse.

Will They Ever Learn?

For this conversation, I’ll give you only my side and let you figure out what the boys said. Hint: one of them was crying and rubbing his head.

Me: Well, of course. If you play a game where you’re both throwing rocks, that’s going to happen.

You would think they would learn, but I had a very similar conversation about a week later:

Me: Well, maybe you two should stop playing a game where you throw Matchbox cars…

Eventually I’ll learn and just say “No throwing” so that there are no more loopholes.

A Careful 5-Year-Old

Me: Be careful, you just hit your brother on the head!
Beta: Yes, but I didn’t poke his eye!

At least he knows what’s important. But where does he learn such things?

Countdown

Beta: What day is tomorrow?
Me: Tuesday.
Beta: And the next day?
Me: Wednesday.
Beta: And the next day?
Me: Thursday.
Beta: Yea! Three more days until Wipeout!

The kids are big Wipeout fans. They were so excited to learn that Winter Wipeout was changing to Spring Wipeout. But then Alpha’s school complicated things:

Challenge

Alpha: The 4th-grade class challenged the school to a week without TV.
Me: That means no Wipeout…
Alpha: Well, we don’t have to do it.

Challenge? That sounds optional. At least I won’t worry about his being tempted by dares when he’s older.

Wrestling

I don’t wrestle much with my children. That’s what uncles are for. But a while back they went through a wanting-to-wrestle with Daadaa phase, so I obliged them with some wrestling. How could I refuse when they spread blankets on the floor and propped pillows against the furniture?

So we wrestled. It was Alpha and Beta versus me. They’re still small and light, so I would let them get my shoulders down for a few seconds and then I would recover and get one of them down and then I would let him escape after a few seconds and so on and so forth.

The wrestling continued for a while until I decided I needed a break. I let Beta pin me…

Beta: …8…9…10! I won!
Me: Alright, good job Beta. Now let’s –
Beta: LEVEL TWO!!!

Oh, the problems of growing up with video games.

Air Freshener

The scene: just outside Gamma’s room
Alpha: Dad, we got an air freshener for Gamma’s room!
Beta: Yeah, come see it!
Everyone exits stage left into Gamma’s room

The scene: inside Gamma’s room. The children are standing next to the smelly trash can where all the dirty diapers reside. If ever an air freshener was needed, it’s here.
Alpha: Here’s the air freshener!

At that point he steps on the pedal that opens the trash can and they both run out of the room laughing.

That is definitely NOT fresh air from there.

Key Jokes

Alpha: What kind of key can’t open a lock?
Me: A monkey
Alpha: and a turkey and a donkey

…a little bit of time passes, during which time we have opened the box for a new puzzle…

Beta: What animal can’t open a puzzle?
Me: A monkey
Beta: No, a fish!

Well, he’s right about that.

Not Easily Deterred

Me: Beta, you can’t have a Tootsie Roll – you had one for dessert.
Beta: Okay, I’ll have a candy cane!

You’re not getting the point… or the candy cane either.

Pretty Sneaky

Beta: Whoever says potty talk first is out.
Alpha: Okay
Hey Alpha – how do you spell “pizza”?
P-I-Z-Z-A
What was the first letter?
P-
Potty talk! I win!

I was in the other room and overheard this one. If they knew I was listening they might not have played that game… or they might have just whispered it instead.