She’s very friendly and likes to hold the baby for a minute after the lessons are done.

One day Gamma happened to be in the room when the lessons concluded, and he happened to be wearing this shirt:

It says “I get my good looks from my dad”. And no, I didn’t pick it out.

The piano teacher looked at the shirt, read it out loud, then looked at me and said,

“That’s because mom still has hers!”

She was laughing when she said it – with me, of course, not at me.

It was very clever, which is why I’m sharing it with you dear internet audience. So be careful what slogans your children wear – they might backfire on you.

If you find an empty container of chocolate ice cream in the bathroom trash can, do not ask any questions.

Father Tip:

If you’re teaching your young son about baseball, make sure one of the things he’s taught early on is that to tag a runner, he must be holding the ball – no throwing it at the runner to get him out. Especially if you’re the runner.

Husband Tip:

If your wife writes “LOL butter” on the grocery list, do not audibly laugh at the dairy aisle. People will stare. Instead, just grab some Land O’ Lakes and proceed to the next item.

The fruit scales in the grocery store are not meant to hold infants. Even if you really want to know how much he weighs. Hint: the scales in the deli are more stable and more accurate.

Homeowner Tip:

If you forget to sweep food off the dining room floor, and yet the food is gone the next morning – buy some mousetraps.

Father Tip:

If your child yells “Wheeee!” when you drive around corners, you might want to verify that he is buckled in his car seat.

This weekend, I discovered that Real-Kill glue traps are even worse than d-Con traps. I tried to find a website for the Real-Kill brand so that I could link to it, but I couldn’t. The fine print on the box says that it is distributed by Realex, a division of United Industries Corp., but their website doesn’t claim Realex as a brand. Oh well.

Just so you know why I say to use the Tomcat glue traps: I’ve never had a Tomcat trap that let me down. If a mouse ever visits a Tomcat trap, he’s done.

On the other hand, a mouse can visit a Real-Kill glue trap and not even know anything was wrong:

The peanut butter in the middle of the trap is gone. I assume the mouse enjoyed eating that. And the glue trap’s only accomplishment is recording the footprints of the mouse so I can see where he sat while he ate the bait.

What good is that?

Here’s a photo of the front of the box, so you can know what to avoid:

Look how happy that mouse is, sitting on the glue trap. That’s because he knows he’ll be able to leave once the photo shoot is done.

The two key points of the product, according to the packaging:

• Non-toxic
  Definitely! No harm caused to the mouse at all!
• Easy Disposal
  Right again! It’s very easy to throw away an empty trap – it’s light and compact!

Once again, I wasn’t planning on writing a review of mouse traps. But I knew I had to post something when I saw mouseprints on the trap.

Note: the glob of peanut butter was missing from the other trap that same night, so I know it wasn’t just one bad trap.

If your kids are supposed to be washing their hands, but instead you hear laughter and shouts of “Silly string! Silly string!” coming from the bathroom, you had better go check on them.

While you are walking there, use that time to compose a stern lecture on the appropriate use of foaming hand soap. Do not start composing a blog post.

Tip for Husbands:

Put the blender away fully assembled after it has been cleaned.

The next person who uses it may assume that it is ready to go and will not be happy when juice starts leaking over the base, table, and herself.

Tip for Nature Hikers:

Do not poke a turtle. If you must poke a turtle, use a stick instead of your finger.

They are not necessarily friendly, nor are they slow. Sure, they might not run very well, but they can move their necks faster than you think.

I was trying to see if I could prompt the turtle to move out of the middle of the road. He was a large turtle, too – bigger than a curling stone. I was glad I chose to poke the back of his shell, because he lunged at me as quickly as he could. He would have jumped too, if turtles could jump. He was glaring at me something fierce, and I could see that he was thinking “you’re lucky this shell is holding me back, buster…”

Tip for Managers:

If you have an employee appreciation event and you hire a DJ for a fun atmosphere, be sure to check the playlist.

I, as an employee, attended a picnic thing for employees, and the song I heard as I approached the hamburgers was “If I Had a Million Dollars”. Since the company was providing this picnic, some people could take that song as mocking. No, of course you don’t have a million dollars – that’s why you have to work here.

And if you are the CEO, do not let people see you singing along to that song.

Let me correct that to “how Biggy the fish was doing”.

He lasted about one more week than the other fish, so about two weeks total.

The kids were not distraught at all. They think that’s what fish are for – bring them home and check each day if they’re floating or swimming.

I came home from work one day and was greeted by “He’s floating!” I noted somewhere in my head that I would need to scoop him out and throw him away (I’m not stocking our septic tank with fish).

And then I got distracted by more important tasks

…for a few days.

When Beta asked me why Biggy’s eyes were turning white, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.

So now we are the proud owners of…

And we would like to keep it that way for a while.

• What time is the party?
• Do I drop off my child, or am I expected to stay?
• Who else will be there that my child knows?
• etc.

Allow me to add one more question to that list, so that you will have a more complete checklist before accepting the invitation:

What live animals will be involved in the party?

Alpha and Beta went to a birthday party, and they won something as prizes for a little game they played.

They won two goldfish.

Each.

We went from zero to four goldfish instantly.

We had fish before, but not for very long. The bowl has been sitting in the basement for a while (about 3 years now), so I rinsed it out and put the new fish in it.

The older two kids are somewhat excited about the fish, at least enough so that they ask whose turn it is to feed the fish.

Beta named his two fish “Biggy” and “Mediumy”.

The only problem is that the fish are not very hardy. It’s not really a problem to us parents because we didn’t invest much in the fish, and we don’t expect much out of them. I think the kids remember from last time that fish are quite temporary. They won’t be heartbroken either.

We started out with 4 fish.
The next day, we were down to 3 fish.
Two days later, 2 fish.
A week, 1 fish.

At this rate, we’ll be out of fish by Thursday.

Oh, and my wife informed the giver-away of the goldfish that we will be giving away kittens to her kids next time.

“That ink stamp looks yummy!”

“What’s inside your nose?”

“Here’s some markers and some paper. I’ll be back later.”

The kids were excited, and we thought this would be a nice project.

Then we opened the box.

There were 857 pieces.

And they all looked the same.

The completed ship is a couple of feet in circumference, but 90% of it is just gray spaceshippey-looking stuff. There is very little context to be able to group pieces. And being 3-D, it doesn’t have edge pieces to start with.

Here is a representation of any family’s conversation as they put together this puzzle:
Person A: I found a gray piece with some tubes!
Person B: I found a gray piece with some tubes!
Person C: Hey, I found a gray piece with some wires!
Persons A and B: Oooh! Set that one aside.

It may take us a few weeks to finish this one.

to let your toddler

toss his pacifier

in the dishwasher.

They are not dishwasher-safe, especially when they land right next to the heating element.