Things Not to Feed a Child

Specifically, things not to feed a child who is not potty trained.

Alternate title: how to make enemies in the church nursery

I don’t like potty humor, except for maybe this one case. But parenthood brings you into certain situations that you wouldn’t discuss otherwise.

Today is such a case.

It’s for a public service, though, not a cheap laugh. I know there is at least one new father who reads this blog, and there are things he might want to know so he doesn’t have to learn the hard way. In order to bring him up to speed, I am publishing this list of foods to avoid giving your child if you will be changing his diaper within the subsequent 24 hours.

  • Blue Moon ice cream
  • Corn
  • Blueberries
  • Spinach
  • Chili

Apparently the color blue is not easily digested.

And I wonder why we even eat corn since it appears to not be used at all by the body. Surely there must be a better use of one’s energy than eating and attempting to digest corn. Unless maybe it is just exercise.

Parents who have gone through the diaper-changing phase:
Any other foods to avoid?

He said, “Behold, I have heard that there is grain in Egypt; go down there and buy some for us from that place, so that we may live and not die.”

Genesis 42:2

Autumn at the Beach

We’ve been having a nice fall here. There was a chilly spell of about a week or so, but it’s been on the warm side since then.

One of the nice days was the day of the half-marathon. It was right near Lake Michigan, so we stopped by the beach after the expo the afternoon before the race. The weather in general was nice, but the beach was a bit windy.

To get to the beach, you have to go over a sand dune. It’s a moderately-sized dune, but big enough to be impressive to young kids. This is the view after climbing from the parking lot to the top of the hill:

railing atop a hill overlooking a beach on Lake Michigan

Read the rest of this entry »

Random Tips for Living, Part 2

Father Tip:

The fruit scales in the grocery store are not meant to hold infants. Even if you really want to know how much he weighs. Hint: the scales in the deli are more stable and more accurate.

Homeowner Tip:

If you forget to sweep food off the dining room floor, and yet the food is gone the next morning – buy some mousetraps.

Father Tip:

If your child yells “Wheeee!” when you drive around corners, you might want to verify that he is buckled in his car seat.

Let Him weigh me with accurate scales, And let God know my integrity.

Job 31:6

A Pun is Brewing

Everyone seems to focusing on the interchange between Harbaugh and Schwartz this past weekend. But there was also a humorous exchange between Justin Verlander of the Tigers and Yovani Gallardo of the Brewers.

Most people missed that one, but Some Blog Site has exclusive footage of their conversation.

comic about the Justin Verlander and Yovani Gallardo discussing missing the 2011 World Series

Transcript:
Verlander: So, did your team make the World Series?
Gallardo: No!
Verlander: Oh well…
Verlander: Batter luck next year!

They were disappointed for they had trusted, They came there and were confounded.

Job 6:20

Bummer of a Food Allergy

comic of a bolt telling another bolt that he's allergic to nuts

That’s probably going to be a problem in his line of work.

Then their father Israel said to them, “If it must be so, then do this: take some of the best products of the land in your bags, and carry down to the man as a present, a little balm and a little honey, aromatic gum and myrrh, pistachio nuts and almonds.

Genesis 43:11

Things I Have Said Recently

Children can be creative. It is my job as a parent to teach them to behave properly without squashing their spirit. It is a fine line between those two ideas sometimes.

Here are some Things I Have Said Recently:

  • No jumping in the restaurant. And no cannonballs in the restaurant either.
  • Get that straw out of there! We don’t drink through our noses.
  • Do not use the spaghetti as dental floss.
  • The spaghetti is not a jump-rope either.
  • and the ever popular The water needs to stay in the bathtub.

so that you will behave properly toward outsiders and not be in any need.

1 Thessalonians 4:12

Improving the Bird Cage

I was visiting a building that had a large bird cage in the lobby. Not a huge cage, but bigger than your average birdcage. I thought about how it would be nice for the birds to have some more room so they could fly a decent distance instead of just flitting back and forth.

You know those restaurants that have a model train circling the dining area? Usually above everyone’s heads? Our kids love those restaurants. I got to thinking about combining a bird cage with the concept of something encircling a room.

What if the bird cage circled the lobby? It would be like a track for birds. A long, circular cage would let them fly at top speeds.

I sketched up a prototype, although this one is too small. The poor bird would always be turning. And you’d have to teach him to alternate directions so that his wings would stay even.

circular bird cage so the bird can fly laps

But a cage that big would cost a lot.
And be a pain to install.
And be a bigger pain to clean.

So I came up with a better plan.

This one was inspired not by the average treadmill, but by those endless pools. You know, the individual-sized pool that lets you swim without travelling. Same concept as a treadmill, but for swimming instead of running. Apply that to flying, and you get…

The Birdmill

bird cage plus box fan for a flying treadmill

A compact way to house your pet and allow him to exercise to his heart’s content.

I said, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.

Psalm 55:6