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Here’s another update from the schoolwork files of Alpha:

Columbus

I guess that Columbus Day holiday is good for something. Alpha seems to have learned the major points about Columbus’ voyage – asking the queen for two ships, that he had crosses on the sails, etc.

Raccoons

He knows the truth about raccoons. They are not cute and fun. They are pests. And what do they do? They eat garbage. Or “garbeg” if you’re still learning how to spell, which Alpha is.

After several years of parenting, we finally have our first ear infection.

Gamma had what we thought was just a cold, or maybe some more teething. One morning, he touched his ear and said what my wife thought was “Ow“. She called me and we debated whether to take him to the doctor. We decided to wait a bit and see what happened, and he was fine the rest of the day so she didn’t take him in.

The next day, after no problems during the night, and no more complaints from Gamma, my wife happened to look at his ear.

It looked like this:

And here’s another view:

She called me at work to tell me she was on her way to the doctor.

“It’s an ear infection,” they said at the office, “It popped, but it sealed itself so it should be okay. Here is a prescription for some antibiotics and some ear drops.”

The ear drops say to put the drops in the ear with the ear facing up so the liquid can go into the ear.
No problem.

But then we need to keep the ear facing up for 5-10 minutes. What?! Keep a toddler down for that long? Twice a day?

We settled on the twice a day being during naptime and during the night. Of course he doesn’t cooperate, preferring to sleep on the bad ear so that we have to move his head, and therefore awaken him, to put in the drops. And then once he’s awake, he keeps his head up. I have to hold him down, but we’re getting through it.

At least he likes the taste of Amoxicillin.

As we are nearing the end of the first week back on normal time, I thought I would analyze the progression of Daylight Saving Time.

Since they keep increasing the number of weeks spent on DST, I wondered how long it would take before there was only DST and no more standard time. I think a lot of people would be happy if they didn’t have to change their clocks twice a year, especially these people.

Here is a history of DST in the US, starting with the beginning of the USA in 1776 (approximately).

Fig. 1 – Number of Weeks in DST versus Year A.D.

As you can see, there was no DST for a while, then it started, then it increased, then it increased again.

If it keeps increasing linearly, it might look like this:

Fig. 2 – Number of Weeks in DST versus Year A.D. with line

From that, I estimate that there will be only DST starting in the year 2147.

But you may have noticed that the increases are increasing in frequency, which suggests an exponential relationship rather than linear.

Fig. 3 – Number of Weeks in DST versus Year A.D. with curve

That estimate is 2033, which means only 23 more years of switching clocks.

I will not miss that hassle at all.

It’s that time of year again. Frost covers the ground in the mornings before the sun melts it away. The trees have lost all their leaves. Fall is officially on its way out.

That means it’s time to enroll in the annual employee benefit selection.

Every year, around this same time, I get to choose my insurance levels (medical PPO or HMO? short- or long-term disability? vision? dental? etc.) I usually just verify that they remembered my selections from last year and call it good.

This year though, there was a EULA. I had to agree to some terms before I could enroll.

I, of course, couldn’t help but find two things wrong with the “agreement”.

First, here is the agreement (click for the full-size version):

First Wrong Thing

It says “I have reviewed my 2011 annual enrollment materials and have completed my 2011 elections online.”

Reviewed my enrollment materials – okay, no problem, I agree.

Have completed my 2011 elections online – problem. This was on the web page that was going to let me start the 2011 elections online. How am I supposed to agree that I have completed the elections before I can start the elections?

I don’t even know what they could have intended.

Other Wrong Thing

The perspective. The voice. The point of view. Whatever it is, let’s make it consistent.

Am I doing the agreeing? Or are you?

I agree that I understand…
or
I agree that you understand…

I counted 10 paragraphs/statements in the agreement. There are 6 that call me “You” and 4 that call me “I”.

Just pick a pronoun for the employee and stick with it.

That’s all for now, unless you see something else in there.

Here are three conversation snippets from the last month or so. It might give you a good idea of how things are around here.

Bad Crayons

Wife, while we were waiting for our food at a restaurant: If only he used his crayons for good

That Gamma is one busy boy. We have to watch him a lot more carefully than we did the other two. My favorites are the restaurants that just cover their tables in a gigantic sheet of paper so that it doesn’t matter if the kids don’t stay on the place-mat/menu. This was not one of those restaurants.

Loose Parts

Me: Beta, do you have any loose teeth?
Beta: No, but my eye is loose.

I think it wasn’t actually loose, but I didn’t wiggle it because I didn’t want to find out.

A Salami Idea

Here’s one half of a conversation.

Me: I bet it would, but no, we are not going to find out if salami can stick to walls.

I’ll let you figure out the other half.

I’m amused by an advertisement on the radio. It’s an ad for a certain medical clinic. (I’m not mentioning the name so as not to give them free ad space and because I can’t remember it right now.)

They want you to come visit their advanced facilities. They want you to get medical care there, because (they claim) they have the best doctors and equipment. They have the best treatment program for whichever conditions are their specialties.

Anyway, here’s (approximately) how the ad ends:

No program comes close to ours, and no program is better for you.

Let’s take it one section at a time, although they’re both related.

No program comes close to ours
That means that they’re only slightly better than nothing. In other words, their program is close to nothing.

No program is better for you.
That means that you are better off doing nothing than going to their clinic. In other words, I can use no program or I can use their program. They’re telling me that no program is a better choice, so I’ll go with no program.

Not quite what they had in mind, I bet.

I’ve started seeing this (or a similar) slogan other places, now that I’ve started looking for it – no (insert type of product) is better than ours is.

“But how should it be worded?” you may be wondering. Other people are wondering, “Why do you even care about this stuff?” Really, though, it doesn’t matter what you’re wondering. Here’s my recommendation: Use the word “other”. (i.e. No other program is better for you.) Not perfect, but it improves it.

Bad: No one can do what we do.
Good: No one else can do what we do.

I think you get the idea.

Here’s another hypothetical situation for you to ponder.

Wife, working in the kitchen with a toddler clinging to her leg and crying, to husband: “If you want to eat dinner, please come get your son.”

Quiz:
What should the husband’s response be?
A. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
B. He looks fine to me.
C. Sure, I’ll be right there.

Answer:
If you need me to tell you the answer, you are not ready to be married.