Archive for the ‘Mishaps’ Category

Miss Communication

My wife and I don’t always use the same terms to mean the same things. This leads to all sorts of misunderstandings.

  • We disagree on which part of the dishwasher is the “back”.
  • We disagree on which pockets of the diaper bag are the “side” pockets.
  • Subjective terms such as “cold” also lead to confusion.

And that brings me to today’s story: my trip to the grocery store.

I like to take one of the smaller kids to the grocery store in the evening, if needed. It gives the wife a slight break in that there is one less thing she has to do.

The problem comes when she writes something that makes sense to her and it also makes sense to me, but the two senses do not match.

One particular item was a “large bag of sugar”. I look around the shelves, and I grab a large bag. It turns out that it happened to be a 10-pound bag, and the wife was expecting a 5-pound bag. I didn’t even know they made 10-pound bags, so I didn’t bother checking the label – I just tossed it in the cart and went on.

The next time I go to the store and sugar is on the list, she tries to prevent my buying a 10-pound bag of sugar so she writes “small bag of sugar”.

I look around the shelves and find a small bag. All 2 pounds of it. I get home and find out that she wanted the 5-pound bag. I didn’t even know they made 2-pound bags, and neither did she.

It is for those reasons that I call home for clarification during my grocery shopping trips. My goal is not to be the husband who can’t shop for groceries on his own, but I would rather buy the right things than attempt to bolster my pride.

For now though, I go on the easy shopping trips and my wife takes the others.

)You shall not have in your bag differing weights, a large and a small.

Deuteronomy 25:13

The Saga of the Engine Oil

My car is 10 years old now, so I need to pay more attention to maintenance items. For example, sometimes the oil gets too low between oil changes.

At a recent gas stop, I noticed that the oil was low. I keep a quart of oil in the trunk for such occasions, so I pulled that out and added it to the engine.

The only problem was that I did not have a funnel with me, so I had to aim very carefully when pouring the oil. Alas, I did not aim carefully enough – I spilled some oil on the engine cover.

Normally, I wouldn’t care about that. But the extra oil dripped off the front of the cover and landed on the front of the engine. It landed somewhere in the middle of some tubes and heat shields.

I didn’t think much about that, other than “oops”.

Then the oil started to smoke.

Some flames appeared.

Beware the Child’s T-Shirt

Our kids get piano lessons from a local lady. She’s a grandmother and a retired schoolteacher. She’ll come to your house a give lessons, for a small fee of course.

She’s very friendly and likes to hold the baby for a minute after the lessons are done.

One day Gamma happened to be in the room when the lessons concluded, and he happened to be wearing this shirt:

photo of child's shirt that says 'I get my good looks from my dad'photo of child's shirt that says 'I get my good looks from my dad'

It says “I get my good looks from my dad”. And no, I didn’t pick it out.

The piano teacher looked at the shirt, read it out loud, then looked at me and said,

“That’s because mom still has hers!”

She was laughing when she said it – with me, of course, not at me.

It was very clever, which is why I’m sharing it with you dear internet audience. So be careful what slogans your children wear – they might backfire on you.

When the Philistine looked and saw David, he disdained him; for he was but a youth, and ruddy, with a handsome appearance.

1 Samuel 17:42

Random Tips for Living, Part 3

Husband Tip:

If you find an empty container of chocolate ice cream in the bathroom trash can, do not ask any questions.

Father Tip:

If you’re teaching your young son about baseball, make sure one of the things he’s taught early on is that to tag a runner, he must be holding the ball – no throwing it at the runner to get him out. Especially if you’re the runner.

Husband Tip:

If your wife writes “LOL butter” on the grocery list, do not audibly laugh at the dairy aisle. People will stare. Instead, just grab some Land O’ Lakes and proceed to the next item.

When my steps were bathed in butter, And the rock poured out for me streams of oil!

Job 29:6

Random Tips for Living, Part 2

Father Tip:

The fruit scales in the grocery store are not meant to hold infants. Even if you really want to know how much he weighs. Hint: the scales in the deli are more stable and more accurate.

Homeowner Tip:

If you forget to sweep food off the dining room floor, and yet the food is gone the next morning – buy some mousetraps.

Father Tip:

If your child yells “Wheeee!” when you drive around corners, you might want to verify that he is buckled in his car seat.

Let Him weigh me with accurate scales, And let God know my integrity.

Job 31:6

Worthless Housecat

A couple of years ago, I accidentally discovered that Tomcat mouse traps are better than d-Con mouse traps.

This weekend, I discovered that Real-Kill glue traps are even worse than d-Con traps. I tried to find a website for the Real-Kill brand so that I could link to it, but I couldn’t. The fine print on the box says that it is distributed by Realex, a division of United Industries Corp., but their website doesn’t claim Realex as a brand. Oh well.

Just so you know why I say to use the Tomcat glue traps: I’ve never had a Tomcat trap that let me down. If a mouse ever visits a Tomcat trap, he’s done.

On the other hand, a mouse can visit a Real-Kill glue trap and not even know anything was wrong:

picture of mouse footprints across a glue trap with missing bait

The peanut butter in the middle of the trap is gone. I assume the mouse enjoyed eating that. And the glue trap’s only accomplishment is recording the footprints of the mouse so I can see where he sat while he ate the bait.

What good is that?

Here’s a photo of the front of the box, so you can know what to avoid:

picture of a box of Real-Kill glue traps

Look how happy that mouse is, sitting on the glue trap. That’s because he knows he’ll be able to leave once the photo shoot is done.

The two key points of the product, according to the packaging:

  • Non-toxic
    Definitely! No harm caused to the mouse at all!
  • Easy Disposal
    Right again! It’s very easy to throw away an empty trap – it’s light and compact!

Once again, I wasn’t planning on writing a review of mouse traps. But I knew I had to post something when I saw mouseprints on the trap.

Note: the glob of peanut butter was missing from the other trap that same night, so I know it wasn’t just one bad trap.

For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper And from the deadly pestilence.

Psalm 91:3

Random Tips for Living

Tip for Fathers:

If your kids are supposed to be washing their hands, but instead you hear laughter and shouts of “Silly string! Silly string!” coming from the bathroom, you had better go check on them.

While you are walking there, use that time to compose a stern lecture on the appropriate use of foaming hand soap. Do not start composing a blog post.

Tip for Husbands:

Put the blender away fully assembled after it has been cleaned.

The next person who uses it may assume that it is ready to go and will not be happy when juice starts leaking over the base, table, and herself.

Tip for Nature Hikers:

Do not poke a turtle. If you must poke a turtle, use a stick instead of your finger.

They are not necessarily friendly, nor are they slow. Sure, they might not run very well, but they can move their necks faster than you think.

I was trying to see if I could prompt the turtle to move out of the middle of the road. He was a large turtle, too – bigger than a curling stone. I was glad I chose to poke the back of his shell, because he lunged at me as quickly as he could. He would have jumped too, if turtles could jump. He was glaring at me something fierce, and I could see that he was thinking “you’re lucky this shell is holding me back, buster…”

Tip for Managers:

If you have an employee appreciation event and you hire a DJ for a fun atmosphere, be sure to check the playlist.

I, as an employee, attended a picnic thing for employees, and the song I heard as I approached the hamburgers was “If I Had a Million Dollars”. Since the company was providing this picnic, some people could take that song as mocking. No, of course you don’t have a million dollars – that’s why you have to work here.

And if you are the CEO, do not let people see you singing along to that song.

From it Moses and Aaron and his sons washed their hands and their feet.

Exodus 40:31