Archive for October, 2011

Random Tips for Living, Part 3

Husband Tip:

If you find an empty container of chocolate ice cream in the bathroom trash can, do not ask any questions.

Father Tip:

If you’re teaching your young son about baseball, make sure one of the things he’s taught early on is that to tag a runner, he must be holding the ball – no throwing it at the runner to get him out. Especially if you’re the runner.

Husband Tip:

If your wife writes “LOL butter” on the grocery list, do not audibly laugh at the dairy aisle. People will stare. Instead, just grab some Land O’ Lakes and proceed to the next item.

When my steps were bathed in butter, And the rock poured out for me streams of oil!

Job 29:6

Up Next – Tall Pubs

This one’s a little longer than usual, but these puns required a bit more setup.
If you want the image to be slightly larger, you can click on it to load the full-size version. If you get a magnifying-glass cursor, click again.

comic making puns about tall pubs, raising the bar, high steaks, up in the air, and an ale mint

(Two reporters on TV)
A: Welcome to another edition of the Feud Network Challenge.
B: We’re in the village of Great Barton for their annual Tall Pub Competition.

A: That’s right, every year the citizens here have 5 days to construct temporary pubs. The pub that can serve the judges at the highest altitude wins the prize.
B: You can say they’re really raising the bar here!

Narrator: The meals for the judges must be prepared at the same height that they are served. This year, the requirement is a T-bone or porterhouse for the main dish.

A: And what’s more, the prize money has been doubled from last year.
B: Yes – the steaks have never been higher!

A: This just in – the rules committee is deciding on a change. The competition, with the buildings partially constructed, is postponed indefinitely.
B: Oh no! This means things will be up in the air for a while.

A: Ow! My stomach hurts!
B: What was the last thing you ate?

A: The only thing I’ve had recently was an awful breath mint after drinking something out of that cask over there.
B: We’ll have to cut the show short today. My co-host is suffering from some horrible ale mint.

They do not drink wine with song; Strong drink is bitter to those who drink it.

Isaiah 24:9

Can You Find the Pattern?

Here’s some more schoolwork. They asked for a pattern, and Alpha found one.

math worksheet about finding patterns

That’s my boy!

Tip: If you’re putting together a classroom assignment, aim for directions that are more specific rather than vague. Ask the question that you really want answered. “Describe a numerical pattern that you see.” might have been better than “What patterns do you see in the chart?

If I were me, I would have gone with “All the numbers end in 0”.

All this,” said David, “the LORD made me understand in writing by His hand upon me, all the details of this pattern.

1 Chronicles 28:19

Things Not to Feed a Child

Specifically, things not to feed a child who is not potty trained.

Alternate title: how to make enemies in the church nursery

I don’t like potty humor, except for maybe this one case. But parenthood brings you into certain situations that you wouldn’t discuss otherwise.

Today is such a case.

It’s for a public service, though, not a cheap laugh. I know there is at least one new father who reads this blog, and there are things he might want to know so he doesn’t have to learn the hard way. In order to bring him up to speed, I am publishing this list of foods to avoid giving your child if you will be changing his diaper within the subsequent 24 hours.

  • Blue Moon ice cream
  • Corn
  • Blueberries
  • Spinach
  • Chili

Apparently the color blue is not easily digested.

And I wonder why we even eat corn since it appears to not be used at all by the body. Surely there must be a better use of one’s energy than eating and attempting to digest corn. Unless maybe it is just exercise.

Parents who have gone through the diaper-changing phase:
Any other foods to avoid?

He said, “Behold, I have heard that there is grain in Egypt; go down there and buy some for us from that place, so that we may live and not die.”

Genesis 42:2

Autumn at the Beach

We’ve been having a nice fall here. There was a chilly spell of about a week or so, but it’s been on the warm side since then.

One of the nice days was the day of the half-marathon. It was right near Lake Michigan, so we stopped by the beach after the expo the afternoon before the race. The weather in general was nice, but the beach was a bit windy.

To get to the beach, you have to go over a sand dune. It’s a moderately-sized dune, but big enough to be impressive to young kids. This is the view after climbing from the parking lot to the top of the hill:

railing atop a hill overlooking a beach on Lake Michigan


Random Tips for Living, Part 2

Father Tip:

The fruit scales in the grocery store are not meant to hold infants. Even if you really want to know how much he weighs. Hint: the scales in the deli are more stable and more accurate.

Homeowner Tip:

If you forget to sweep food off the dining room floor, and yet the food is gone the next morning – buy some mousetraps.

Father Tip:

If your child yells “Wheeee!” when you drive around corners, you might want to verify that he is buckled in his car seat.

Let Him weigh me with accurate scales, And let God know my integrity.

Job 31:6

A Pun is Brewing

Everyone seems to focusing on the interchange between Harbaugh and Schwartz this past weekend. But there was also a humorous exchange between Justin Verlander of the Tigers and Yovani Gallardo of the Brewers.

Most people missed that one, but Some Blog Site has exclusive footage of their conversation.

comic about the Justin Verlander and Yovani Gallardo discussing missing the 2011 World Series

Verlander: So, did your team make the World Series?
Gallardo: No!
Verlander: Oh well…
Verlander: Batter luck next year!

They were disappointed for they had trusted, They came there and were confounded.

Job 6:20